


At the End of the Universe

by boldlygoingnowherefast



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-30
Updated: 2018-11-30
Packaged: 2019-09-02 13:05:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16787533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boldlygoingnowherefast/pseuds/boldlygoingnowherefast
Summary: Years after Julian has moved off of DS9, he receives news of Garak's death. Two months later, he receives a box of letters and an encrypted data rod.A story of loss and reunion.





	At the End of the Universe

**Author's Note:**

> Now with lovely [fanart](https://godwoken.tumblr.com/post/184113376150/i-drew-this-based-off-sarekss-fic-at-the-end-of) by the wonderful Joana ❤️

The transport hummed beneath Julian Bashir as he stared out the window, his unfocused gaze pointed to the stars that flew past. It had been a long trip, and it wasn’t over yet. The closer he got to his destination, the more the churning in his stomach grew, and the less he was able to focus on anything other than what was tugging him towards this remote planet on the edge of the Romulan space.

Julian clutched the letter in his hands and read over the clues again and again, hoping that he had gotten this right. If he went to this planet and realized he was wrong it would destroy him, but not going would be worse.

His eyes were gritty from exhaustion, but sleep was far from him. The man next to him slumbered peacefully, and Julian wondered how long it had been since he truly felt peace.

Julian turned back to the stars and caught sight of his reflection. Years had passed since he had been that young, impressionable doctor on Deep Space Nine and his greying reflection was evidence enough of that.

Julian thought about that day in the Replimat, when Garak had placed his hands on Julian’s shoulders and spoke of a dawning friendship. Julian’s chest ached at the memory, and he held the letter close to his chest.

~~~

Three years after Julian and Garak had parted ways on DS9, Julian still hadn’t heard from him. He had hoped there might be some correspondence, but there was nothing but subspace silence. Garak was busy helping to rebuild Cardassia. Julian and Garak had been passing parts of each other’s lives, and Julian had to accept that and move on.

But that didn’t mean that Julian didn’t think about Garak often. When he was fixing a cup of tea, he would think about sitting across from Garak in the Replimat while Garak blatantly misinterpreted Earth literature. He would zip up his Starfleet uniform and remember a jab Garak had made at its design. When Julian opened a novel and it mentioned spy work, he would remember the way Garak had lamented the chaotic nature of Earth mysteries and how Cardassian mysteries were far superior.

Julian longed to pull out his PADD and send a message to Garak, but he doubted himself—did Garak even want to hear from him? Surely if Garak wanted to keep in contact, he would have sent a message by now. Garak had been the one to establish their relationship in this first place, it only made sense that he would be the one to continue it.

So Julian spent his days broadening his medical career in different parts of the quadrant and thinking about the years he had spent on DS9. He missed the company he had kept there.

Fifteen years after Garak had left DS9, Julian was working as the head doctor on a Starbase near Andoria when he received a transmission.

It was one line, written in plain text.

_Elim Garak dead. Details of death classified._

Julian stared at that simple line of text as the words slowly sank in. Garak was dead. Garak was dead, and someone had sent him a single line of text to notify him. He had no contacts on Cardassia, and short of going there himself, there was no thread he could pull, no strings to unravel to discover the truth.

Julian tried researching his death, but there were only a handful of mentions of his name in the news, and most of them were when he had worked for Starfleet. There was only one mention of him from his time on Cardassia, and it was about him running for a minor position in the government. Cardassians safeguarded their obituaries from outsiders, and it was only using methods Garak himself had taught him that Julian finally made it into the news source that listed important Cardassian deaths. There, on a page of entries from the day before, was the name _Elim Garak._ There was no accompanying information.

Julian spent the next three days agonizing over what might have happened to Garak. Whether by assassination plot or accident, no matter how Julian imagined it, nothing made it better. Garak was so careful, and to think of him finally meeting his end was more than Julian bear.

Garak had had at least another forty healthy years left to live, and those years had been ripped from him, and Julian didn’t even know how. Four days after Julian received the news, alone in his quarters, he cried bitter, lonely tears.

~~~

The transport docked at the spaceport, and Julian shuffled behind all the other passengers as they made their way off the transport and into the crowded port. Julian walked over to the departure board and looked for his next transport. It was running an hour behind schedule, which meant that Julian had three hours to kill in this spaceport.

Not hungry and feeling too wired to nap, Julian found the docking bay for his transport and took a seat in an empty row of chairs. He dug around in the front of his bag and pulled out his reader to catch up on his favorite medical journal, only to realize ten minutes later that he was reading the same line over and over without understanding any of it.

He sighed and pulled the letter back out of his bag. Letters written on paper weren’t common, but all of the letters Garak had left him had been handwritten on paper. Julian touched the curling font and thought about Garak sitting down to write these letters. Maybe there was a smile on his face as he thought about Julian.

Julian’s chest ached with how much he missed him.

_My dear Julian,_ written there on the page with a fondness that could be read easily.

During their time together, Garak had called him _Doctor Bashir_ and _my dear Doctor_. Had Garak thought of Julian as simply _my dear_ in his head?

Julian longed to travel back to the past and ask Garak these questions. He longed to shake his own young shoulders and talk some sense into him. What was he doing chasing one night stands and short-lived relationships when something so dear was so close? If he had only taken that leap, things might look very different now.

“Is this seat taken?”

Julian looked up at the Bolian man pointing to the seat next to him. In the time that Julian had been staring at the letter, the boarding area had filled up and the seat next to him was one of the few available.

Julian shook his head and the man thanked him and sat.

~~~

Two months after Julian had received news of Garak’s death, a package arrived on a mail freighter, addressed to him. It had no return address and was worn around the edges as though it had been tossed around before it was put onto the freighter. Julian fingered the edges of the box and wondered what it could be, but he had to wait until he got off shift to open it.

If his medical staff noticed he was less focused than usual, they didn’t ask. They knew he had been suffering a personal loss of some kind, but they knew by now that he wasn’t willing to talk about it, and they respected his privacy.

That night, Julian sat at his desk and carefully lifted the lid on the metal box. Inside was a stack of old paper with clean handwriting on it. Julian reached inside and brushed his fingers over the paper in wonder, afraid that it might tear if touched too firmly.

In the low lighting of his quarters, Julian’s eyes caught on the words written at the bottom of the first page.

_Yours,_

_Elim_

Julian sucked in a sharp breath and pulled his hand out of the box. These were letters. A whole box of letters from Garak addressed to him. Julian closed the lid of the box and rested his hands on top of the cold metal.

He couldn’t bring himself to read them, not now. He would leave the box sitting on his desk, in the back corner—waiting for him. When he was ready, then he would read the letters.

~~~

Julian folded the letter carefully and put it back in his bag. Over the intercom, the announcer called for his transport to begin boarding. Julian grabbed the strap of his bag and made his way to the airlock with the rest of the civilians headed towards the Romulan border.

Julian took a window seat and leaned his head against the cool plastic. He was aware of other passengers boarding and the normal departure sequences going on around him, but he was far away. At the start of his trip, he had dreaded the long hours ahead of him, but now that he was getting closer to his destination, he was beginning to feel lost. It had been years. What if he had missed his window of opportunity? The clawing fear that he was _wrong_ wouldn’t leave him.

He felt the person in the seat next to him shift, and he glanced over to see an old Romulan woman pushing her bag under the seat in front of her.

“What takes you to the Romulan border?” she asked, a grey brow quirking upwards.

“I’m picking up an old loose thread,” Julian responded.

She gave him a critical look. “Lost love?”

Julian felt the weight of the years pulling at him, and the loneliness. “You could say that.”

She smiled, a rare smile for a Romulan. “I’m glad. It’s never too late to find love.”

Julian turned back to the stars and hoped she was right.

~~~

The letters sat in the box on his desk, calling to him in the middle of the night. The dull, aching pain in his chest kept him from opening the box, even though he longed to hear Garak’s voice one last time.

Months passed, and then before Julian knew it, a year had gone by since he had received word of Garak’s death. Julian didn’t even realize the importance of the date until that evening when he was recording a personal log and said the date out loud.

Julian’s eyes landed on the box, collecting dust, and he decided that he was finally ready to read the letters. He replicated himself a glass of scotch, picked up the box, and carried it over to the table in the sitting area of his quarters. He sat on the couch and stared down at the metal lid.

With a deep breath to center himself, he opened the creaky hinges. He set down his drink and gently picked up the first letter.

_My dear Doctor,_

_No one has ever shown me the kindness and loyalty that you showed me today, and there is no one else in the universe who would face the former head of the Obsidian Order for me. Without you, I would be dead, and I find I do not have the words to express my gratitude or my astonishment. I have decided to write them here, for a lack of a place to put them._

_If it weren’t for the ties holding both of us back, I may have kissed you today._

_Yours,_

_Elim_

Julian sucked in a breath and stared at the words Garak had written as if he could unravel the secrets of Garak’s mind just by staring at them. Julian’s fingers trembled as he set down the first letter to look beneath it. These letters were a chronicle of their relationship over the years, from Garak’s point of view. These letters contained Garak’s final truth, and it was all for Julian.

_My dear Julian,_

_You laughed at a joke I told in the Replimat today, and it ached somewhere deep in this chest of stone. What are you doing to me, my dear? I longed to grab the front of that tacky uniform and relearn what it means to be alive, but I refrained, for both our sakes. I wish our circumstances were different._

Julian let out a puff of air and took a sip of scotch. He was going to need it if all the letters continued in this manner. The scotch was a poor balm on the fiery ache consuming him. 

_My dear Julian,_

_Today I learned of your genetic enhancements, and my first thought was one of deep admiration. You have been in hiding so long. I long to share your loneliness. I have been in hiding too, my dear. It is something we can share._

_Julian,_

_I love you. Perhaps more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I am writing this here because I longed to tell you today, but I know airing the feeling would only ruin what we have. Loving you is painful, my dear, but I put up with it because you are worth it. More than worth it._

Garak’s careful words were blurring on the page as Julian’s eyes filled with helpless tears. Julian swiped at his eyes and tried to compose himself. Both of them had been harboring feelings, and neither of them had _done_ anything about it. They both had let it sit between them until they ran out of time.

Julian continued to read as the night wore on. There was so much written here, and Julian was determined to commit every single word to memory. It was amazing how many small moments they had shared that Garak wrote about later and revealed his motivations or his feelings. Garak spoke of their time on the _Defiant_ together, of the perilous time he spent on Cardassia with Damar and Kira and how desperate he had been to survive, so he could save Cardassia and see Julian one last time.

_My dear,_

_As your ship pulls away from Cardassia, I can think only of the pain on your face as I turned away from you. I wish I could tell you we will see each other again, but our lives are leading in different directions, and I will not keep you from all the wonderful achievements you have waiting for you in Starfleet. I only wish I had told you how I felt. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so empty now._

After that, Garak wrote about his efforts to rebuild the mess that the Dominion had left when they pulled out of Cardassia and along with it he explained Cardassian society and how he wished Julian could have been there to see it. He talked about his minor position in the Cardassian government and how it wasn’t much, but it was enough to affect small amounts of change.

By the time Julian reached Garak’s last letter, it was late into the night. His last letter was longer than the others, and Julian began reading it with dread settling in his chest.

_Julian,_

_I do not have much time left. An old enemy of Tain’s has discovered my position, and I can feel the edges of the trap slowly closing around me. I knew that my past would eventually catch up to me, and catch up to me it has. I hope that these letters find you out at that Starbase where you are saving lives, and hopefully, they will shed some light on my motivations and how much I truly care for you._

_In a better world, you and I retire to a distant planet, and I tend a garden while you act as a doctor to the locals. But not even wishing on the fifth star to the left would lead us to such an ending, would it? The thought of tending a garden with you and watching each other grow old is perhaps a touch sentimental, but I am facing the end of my life, and an old man is allowed his dreams, isn’t he?_

_Always remember that I love you, my dear. If my life has any meaning, it’s that I helped to save Cardassia, and that I loved Julian Bashir._

_Yours,_

_Elim._

Julian set down the letter, covered his mouth with his hand, and leaned over his knees. His choking sobs were the only sound in his dark quarters, and they continued until a headache beat a dull pattern behind his eyes. Julian picked his head up and wiped his eyes. Through his tears, he noticed something glint at the bottom of the box. The data rod was cool in his hands when he picked it up to examine it in the low lighting.

~~~

The planet was sunny and warm, and there was so much greenery that Julian couldn’t tear his eyes away from the landscape as the transport began its descent to the soil. It was a beautiful place, and something about it made Julian’s heart ache deep within his chest.

With his small duffel bag looped over his shoulder, Julian exited the transport and stepped into the warm, humid air. He had gotten this far, but it would take a little more work to find out exactly where he was going. He had a name and that was it. Hopefully, the locals would be helpful.

The transport station was small, but there was a front desk with a kind-faced local woman sitting behind it.

“Hello,” Julian said as he stepped up to the desk. “I was wondering if you could direct me to Ti’speth Landing.”

She gave him a wide smile. “That’s on the shore, about a forty minute land transport ride from here.”

She gave him the exact coordinates and pointed outside. “You can rent a land transport right over there.”

The drive to Ti’speth took him through winding roads in the middle of an emerald green forest, but when he was ten minutes from his destination, the trees opened up to a sprawling plain that sloped into the bluest ocean Julian had seen in a long time. He sucked in a breath at the sight. The sun was just beginning to dip towards the horizon, and it was painting the beach in pink hues.

The shore was dotted periodically with little cottages, all of them painted soft colors. It was a quiet place full of peaceful people.

When the transport finally slid to a stop, it was in front of a small cottage that backed up to the ocean. A crooked sign posted on the front door read _Ti’speth Landing._ Julian stared through the transport windows at its plain but beautiful exterior and wondered if this could be it.

~~~

It took Julian three months to decode the data rod. The code was marvelous, and Julian could tell it was personal. It was designed for someone with a perfect memory, and it was coded with dates and numbers that only Julian would know. It was still one of the most frustrating things that Julian had ever worked on.

Julian would not give up, though, no matter how long it took him.

Finally, on a day he had taken off, he pressed the final code into the console, and it let out the pleasing chirp Julian had been waiting to hear for months. Words began to scroll across the screen.

_Congratulations, my dear! You have made it this far, which means you are as determined and as smart as I always thought you were. If you’ve been paying attention, I’ve left a few references to a very specific place in my letters. I recommend you visit it, someday. When you get there, find Ti’speth. You won’t be disappointed._

There was nothing more. Julian grabbed the box of letters from his desk and began rifling through them, hoping to find the clues that Garak had mentioned. It took him hours, but Julian found all the references to locations and all the directional phrases that Garak had left in his letters. He entered them into his PADD and began working through them little by little, rearranging and reworking into something that made sense. By morning, Julian had a planet.

The chance that Garak could be alive was a bright spark of hope in Julian’s mind. Julian requested leave that day, and by that evening, he had a transported booked across the quadrant.

~~~

With his heart pounding in his throat, Julian grabbed his bag and exited the transport. The stairs creaked under his feet as he walked up onto the porch. He knocked on the door, but it looked dark through the windows. Many scenarios ran through his mind: Garak had already moved on, he was out for the day, the woman had given him the wrong address, or _Julian had misunderstood the message._

Julian swallowed his worries, and his footsteps creaked on the stairs as he stepped off the porch. Just around the edge of the house, his gaze caught on the churned dirt of a garden, bordered by a crooked white fence. Curious, Julian moved around the side of the house and into the backyard.

There was a person in a wide-brimmed hat leaning over and coaxing a vined plant to take hold of a stake in the ground next to it.

“You can leave the seeds right by the fence, Keyna.”

Julian’s throat constricted. That was Garak’s voice, calm and unbothered.

“Garak.”

When Garak looked up, eyes wide and mouth ajar, Julian was already moving. He tossed his bag aside, and by the time Garak stood straight, Julian was right in front of him.

“Julian,” Garak breathed, but that was all he got the chance to say before Julian was sliding his hand into the hair at the back of Garak’s neck and kissing him the way he had wanted to for years. Garak’s hands settled on Julian’s waist and pulled him closer but it wasn’t close enough. Julian clung to him and Garak held him tight enough that Julian was beginning to forget they had never held each other like this before. The kiss was full of everything that Julian had never said to Garak, and Garak kissed back with a desperation that spoke of years apart and years of pining. The warm light of sunset slid over them as they kissed on the quiet shore, and Julian knew he was never letting go. Never again.

It was only when Julian pulled back to press his forehead to Garak’s that Julian realized his face was wet from crying. Garak’s hat had fallen off and was resting by their feet, and without it, Julian could see that Garak had also gone grey and that his hair had grown to touch the nape of his neck, half of it pulled back in a tie to keep it out of his face. It made him look distinguished. Garak was the most beautiful sight Julian had seen in a long time.

“You found me,” Garak said with a wide smile, and Julian let out a watery laugh before leaning in to kiss him again.

“I found you, and I’m never losing you again.”

“I don’t plan on being lost,” Garak responded. “Not to you, my dear.”

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [tumblr](http://sareks.tumblr.com)


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